I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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