I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
