My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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