dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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