So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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