Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
