she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
