she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
