shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
