I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
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