I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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