Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
