i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
