The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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