when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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