non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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