Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
