I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
