everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
