I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
