Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You can't motorboat a personality
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
