I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
