it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
