Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
false alarm, still single
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
