I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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