i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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