After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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