I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
