First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
