I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
