Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
