does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
