it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
