You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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