I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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