Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
