I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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