Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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