he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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