Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
