paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
