Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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