They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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