Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
