i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
