There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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