Just fell off a train. Bad.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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