Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
