why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
