Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
