By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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