Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Randomize
