so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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