I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
