my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
