I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
