I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
