dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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